Monday, 25 June 2018

Dear Mr. M

I easily fall for people. I easily like people. Even right at this moment there’s someone I like, someone I’m seeing. But I see no future with him. I like him, and maybe he likes me too I don’t know, I enjoy his company and I’m pretty sure he enjoys mine too. But I don’t feel.....it? I can’t even describe what is this ‘it’. Maybe I read too much novel, watched too much romantic movies. But don’t those things happen in real life?

This Mr. M, he makes me feel ‘it’. But we’re not talking, not anymore. We know each other for a very short period of time, unfortunately we drifted apart. Distance being the most helpful contributor I guess? It has been years since we last talked, and it’s annoying that he’s still there in my mind. He might not even remember me anymore but oh god, if only he knows how much he means to me. I’m probably not the only one who feels this way about. You do have the charm, and you’re seeer, soft spoken, smart, adventurous, easy going outgoing it’s just everything about you.

Will I get to feel ‘it’ again with someone else? Or is it really meant to be that I feel ‘it’ when I was with yoi?

Anyway, I miss you. I will probably confess to you soon. Just waiting for you to be done with your graduation. But yeah

Friday, 27 April 2018

Fake.

I used to think it’s impossible for suicidal people to not show any signs because when I’m depressed, I used to write, I talked to my close ones, I do something.

This time, I don’t know. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, and despite the mess in my head I can’t even write. You don’t call THIS ‘write’. I used to be so full of emotions, the sadness that consumed me was a familiar feeling. Now....I don’t feel anything.

I can talk and laugh with my batchmates during posting, but when I go home I shut down. When my family asks if I’m okay I can pretend that it’s nothing I’m just being me, when people text me I can reply like nothing happened because faking a happy text isn’t half as exhausting as faking a normal happy expressions.

I know people care. I know these problems aren’t real. I made everything up and it’s jusy in my head. I know I have most of the things I wanted. I know. I know I’m just ungrateful and deeply unhappy. I really hope all these end soon.

Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Isolation.

Well, I guess this is where I go to when I really don’t want to be involved with the rest of the world. Obviously no one comes here anymore. Even I hardly come here anymore.

I don’t know what this is. It could’ve been me having my PMS, or it could also mean I’m having another episode. I really just don’t feel like talking to anyone, I have to force the conversations and the social engagements with people around me, it’s exhausting. I want to isolate myself, go to another place, somewhere deep in the forest and just curl up being surrounded by the nature.

The quote “if suicide isn’t haraam I wouldn’t be around anymore” can’t be truer. I really don’t see what’s the big deal of staying, you know? Maybe a few people would be sad but then after a few days everything will go back to normal. Everyone has their own happy life while I have nothing. I don’t have kids who’d need me to feed them, I don’t have pets that need taken care of, I don’t have a partner who’d be left alone when I’m gone. I have Uda, who has 6 other kids and in-laws, I have my nieces who have their own parents and other uncles and aunts, I have friends who have other friends. I only have myself who.....doesn’t even care if she doesn’t have it anymore. 

Thursday, 5 April 2018

Guilty.

If you put in front of me 10 guys, if 9 of them like me and only one doesn’t, he’s the one I’ll like.

Okay that doesn’t really describe my current condition. Idk what’s going on, maybe I’ve been praying to God to LET ME MEET MY OTHER HALF ALREADY PLS IM TIRED OF WAITING. I’ve had guys sliding into my DMs, and some old friends who WhatsApps. I’m not the kind who’s easily perasan but these people make it so obvious about what they’re interested in. I know that if I just layan any of them something could probably happen but it’s not what I want.

And then there’s “watch guy”. Well....how do I say? We both admitted that we’re “physically attracted” to each other, so the feeling is kinda mutual. I’m very much aware that at this point, that’s is all there is. I’ve no expectations. It’s a lie to say I’ve no romantic interest in him, of course I do. GOD HE’S SO HOT. But I know it’s not gonna work, I find it impossible to work. But I like him, and he likes me. For now, I’m happy with that. And I’m just gonna enjoy it for as long as it lasts. I just.....I think I don’t know how to love anymore. 

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Jerks and assholes.

All my life I’ve been complaining about how, why all the guys I fall for are jerks and assholes. As always, to get a better perspective at things you gotta take a step back and analyse the situation. 

I’ve come to the realisation that the problem isn’t these guys, it’s me.

A major turn off for me is probably knowing that he likes me back. When someone shows so much of interest in me, I get uninterested. It’s not something that I do intentionally thouhh. You’ve no idea how sometimes I’d wish that “can’t i just like this guy who likes me maybe I could give him a chance” but something deeper inside tells me “madihah you don’t like him, you can’t even like him if you try. Don’t waste your time”.

I hate it when guys I like ghost on me while I’m fact, sometimes I ghost too. But me being madihah, I can’t be mean. I don’t ignore text messages. I can’t, not without feeling guilty. Unless if you’re a total bore (but even then, usually it’s unintentional. It’s those - what do I reply to this? Then I forgot to rely altogether).

So I don’t know. This could be something regressive. A defensive mechanism my body/brain/head come up with.

A dear friend of mine said it’s not really a bad habit, I just know what I wanted and I wouldn’t settle for less. These guys are 80% and you wouldn’t settle for anything less than 100%.

Well, it is mostly unlikely to find a 100% kinda guy. I’d be lucky if I get to meet one, or at least I hope I’m lucky enough to find an 80% guy whom I find worth risking it for.