Monday, 11 September 2017

Hm.

Ever since India, which can also be rephrased as "ever since I started suffering for depression",  all I ever wanted to do when I have free time is to sleep, to escape the real world and be elsewhere.

The passion is all gone. I've forgotten what it's like to be passionate about something. My calligraphy brushes and brush pens are on the table, untouched.

Nothing excites me anymore. There's nothing I look forward to.

Fine, for now, I look forward to ending my school life. To finally get my title. But I don't look forward to it in the sense that I'm excited about it. It's just that, it's something, yknow. I don't even know how to explain this.

Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. 

Monday, 4 September 2017

Late night thought.

Initially, I'm wide awake because I came to the realisation that my result may come out anytime soon, within this week most probably.

And, of course, staying up late due to one thing leads to thinking of a thousand other ridiculous things. My life is kinda like....monotonous at the moment. Not complaining though, thankful actually. Drama family tu biasa la, sentiasa ada haha.

But it's you, you and your problems bug my thoughts. Not sure in a good or bad way. I don't know if you're still roaming around the social media or you totally shut down. I wish you'd talk though. I know things are not doing good at the moment, I don't know how you're going through your daily life cause if I were you (I hope I won't have to be in such a position) I'll be damned if I don't talk to my best friends.

I don't know if I can make you feel better. I don't know if I can help you make decisions. I don't know if I even have anything to say but, well I wish you'd talk to someone. Even if it's not me. As long as it's not....him.

Taktau lah nak kata. It's scary to even think of being in such position. I keep on praying and praying that I'll be forever protected from being involved in something like that nauzubillah. In a way benda ni banyak taught me about life. Like how one of my favourite quote go "Wise are the ones who learn from their mistakes, wiser are the ones who learn from others' mistakes".

I hope I'll stick to prioritising my happiness in whatever decision I made, and to think rationally lah of course, despite prioritising myself kan. But yeah tu lah this kind of things, the future, isn't something you can control fully. You can plan, Allah menentukan. Let's pray that He tentukan yang baik-baik sahaja for me. Aminnnnn ❤️

Friday, 28 July 2017

Suffocating.

The thing that I've always been scared of, is happening. When I feel the same feeling when I'm home as when I'm away from home. Probably things at home changed so much as compared to when before I left. I'm suffocated. I don't have time of my own. I've little kids clinging on me all the time like I'm a mother of four. Don't get me wrong, I do love my nieces, very much indeed. But I'm not ready for this kind of commitment. I can hardly do anything, I could hardly get up for god's sake without someone calling out "Madek!"

I also love having my sisters around. But it's just....idk. I've a long list of things to do yet I haven't started on any. I'm totally drained out. I'm not ready for this kind of responsibilities and commitment, I'm a single carefree young lady and I'm not supposed to be experiencing this. But who do I blabber this to?

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Favourite.

How can I not generalise guys as assholes when even my best guy friends are assholes? Haha. But this one, is a nicer kind of asshole.

Well, he doesn't look like someone who can be empathetic nor sympathetic. He has this typical idgaf look all the time, but boy, I tell you he's one of the most amazing friends I have. Geli rasa puji dia macam ni, but really. I'm lucky to call him my best friend.

He's the one I turn to when I'm stuck with my quarter life crisis, hence why he proclaimed himself as my "tok guru". Tapi one thing lah (which is really good, but also bad - it depends haha), he always gives honest answers/opinions - no matter how terrible it is, doesn't matter if it's not what you wanna hear, he'll say it straight to my face.

He's aware of my dislikeness towards guys (my idea of guys = assholes), today our topic deviates to my gender instead of his.

Me "I thought only guys can be assholes."
Him "Oh no, people are assholes."
Me "What if one day I become one?"
Him "Don't worry, I'll have your back. Best tak ada kawan with a fucked up moral compass?"

Haha well, even without your fucked up moral compass, you're a friend I treasure very much. Though I've trust issues, I do trust you when you say you've my back, that's the kind of loyal friend that you are.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

Poem, dated back in 2008.

To Madihah yang gemuk,
Life is an adventure,
The harder it gets,
The more interesting it is.

Life is a challenge,
Pass one of it and you'll meet more challenge,
Win more challenge and you'll win the journey.

Life is like music,
Different music gives different moods,
And different lyric have different story to tell.

Death comes after life,
And after death comes life.
If your life gets bored and uninteresting,
don't complain and start a new one.

Madihah,
Your music has the most interesting lyrics for its thousands of stories.
Some in pain and some in joy.

Thank you for being nice to me.

(P.S : Harap² boleh baca!)

From Saiful yang kurus.