The heart never gets tired.

I think I’m in love…..yet again. And of course I’m gonna start with the “but this time it feels different.”

I’m scared, to be honest. Too used to being love bombed, to being stuck in situationship endlessly, to have to bear with the anxiety of dating flaky guys unsure of what they want in life.

As cliche as this sounds, you feel different. You make me feel differently. You’re so…direct, the straightforwardness is refreshing. I know it’s too soon to call this love, but it’s a beautiful thing.

It’s been awhile since someone held my hands the way he did, and it feels so good. I miss you already ❤️

Same old, same old.

 All hail to the queen of delulu haha. I really thought we had something special going on. Long story short (to summarise what happened since the last post), I confessed and it was a soft rejection of “let’s remain friends” but me being Madihah, I don’t give up just like that. I respect his decision of wanting to be friends, of course, and if anything, we grew closer. We attended a concert together (one of the best memories I have with him after ABC trip), we went to Genting and just wander around aimlessly together, we walked around Petaling Street and just enjoyed being in each other’s company.

It all ended abruptly when his demeanour changed, it literally felt like “a total eclipse of the heart” kinda thing. I asked him about it but he said “it’s not you it’s me” told me not to worry about it he just needed some space and time alone.

Sounds all too familiar, isn’t it? I tried talking to him, I tried to be there for him, maybe my gesture as a good friend is a little too much for him. All my efforts only brought him further and further from me.

Blessing in disguise? I’m getting close to a new group of friends in Camp5. I did bump into him once or twice and it was pretty tense and awkward. Still, I tried texting him a couple of times.

I wish I could live up to “orang dah taknak kau blah je doh”. Took me awhile to finally be able to do that. It’s kinda sad, I really thought we found our way back for a reason but I guess it served as a lesson lol.

But I still love you a big deal, in whatever way it is. I’m annoyed but I’m sure you have your reasons. I wish you nothing but the best, I wish you a life showered with God’s mercy and blessing. Goodbye.

I think it is.

 3 weeks are finally up, quite early in the morning decided to casually text him “When will you be back in KL?”

“I’m flying back tonight, will reach KL at 10pm.”

I wished him well, and went on with my plan of just lazying around cause I don’t have anything planned until late afternoon.

At about 9am, a person I thought to be my confidante in good and bad times decided to verbally attack me on my spirituality - the way I dress up and my relationship with God. It was a short encounter but it really did feel like an attack. I was sad and angry, my mood for the weekend was spoiled and I kinda don’t wanna sit and mope around.

A crazy idea struck my head, I sent him a proposal of it.

“Hey this sounds a little crazy but I’m just trying my luck. What do you say if I pick you up at the airport tonight at 10pm, then we head straight to Perlis?”

Perlis is where all our climber friends are - they have a competition which I was so dead set on NOT joining lol.

Of course I expected a “I’m sorry I’m too tired for such a long drive.”

Instead of that, he asked me a few questions - who’s gonna be there, do we have a place to stay, is it okay for me to pick him up. After I’ve answered all that, his texts came in.

“You know what? Let’s do it!”

I packed my pillows and comforters, since all the rooms in the Airbnb our friends are at was occupied, we’re just gonna crash on the living room. “There’s plenty of room so just bring whatever that will help make you more comfortable!” They said.

I’m glad I have to teach a climbing course from 4 to 8, that means I don’t just wait and stare at the clock until 9pm. Once I’m done with my course, I drove to pick him up at klia2 and ah, it feels so good to see him after so long (3 weeks) lol

The drive was a fun one, despite him being so tired, he was up 90% of the trip and we were just talking random issues. 

I’m too lazy to finish the story but I don’t wanna forget a particular moment in the car.

I emergency-braked cause the car in front of us suddenly stopped. Everytime I feel like my brake isn’t smooth, I have this reflect of touching the person next to me. If I’m driving, I’ll hold the person in the passenger seat and if I’m the passenger, I’ll hold the driver. Maybe it’s an internal protective instinct trying to stop them from jerking forward or whatever. 

This time, the same thing happened, but there’s a slight difference. When I reach out my hand to him, he held my hand and he held it a few seconds longer. My heart leaped and I don’t know what to do.

You see, the usual situation is I would be the one holding, so when the brake situation is done, everything is safe, I’d let go. But now he’s the old holding my hand, do I leave it there? Is this gonna be awkward? Haha well after a few seconds I moved my hands and he kinda let go but our hands are also still kinda touching then I just pulled my hand and placed it on the arm rest.

Let’s just say….that incidence (and the whole conversation we had on our 12 hours drive) made me certain that I do not want to lose the chance of being with him. I’ve decided that I would confess my feelings for him when we are at Annapurna Base Camp, that’s 26 days away. 

Is this love?

I’m in the mood to write tonight, probably because I’m flooded by this all-too-familiar feeling that I haven’t felt in the longest time, but also very different.

They love brings you peace, your soulmate is someone who brings peace into your life. If that is the definition of a soulmate, I think I’ve found mine. He’s a very good friend, and everyone who knows that I’m ‘crushing’ on him would say, “then why don’t you just date him?”

I wish its that easy. It’s so cliche to say ‘I’m scared I’ll ruin the friendship’ but this time, I really am worried about it. I’ve known him for a while now, since 2019, but back then he had a girlfriend and that makes my mental boundary strong and clear. No matter how much I liked him back then, I know I shouldn’t act on it, or even entertain the thoughts.

We started getting close again this year, but things have changed. Is it because he’s single now? I don't know, maybe. But i realise how much at peace I feel when he’s around. His presence keeps me calm, and with every second that I spend with him, my heart feels full.

But the problem here is, this is all one sided. I have no idea how he feels about me, and I’m pretty sure I’m nothing more than just a good friend. Is it my instincts or is it something in my head trying to protect me from getting involved in something that could actually happen?

He’s away for 3 weeks and I haven’t missed anyone this much for so long.

I know he’s very good looking, girls swoon over him, throw themselves at him, but it isn’t any of those that attracted me. I admit I also think he’s super cute, I’ve thought about that since day 1 of catching a glimpse of him 4 years ago. But this isn’t just that, this is a feeling that has grown over the years I’ve known him. I love the way he speaks to people, he’s honest and soft. And when we start to go into deeper topics, I can tell that he’s a very responsible son, responsible brother, responsible employee. He’s a person who puts his heart into what he’s doing. He’s patient, and calm, he’s a cure to my chaos though he would have no idea that he is. When i get angry on the road, his voice in my head keeps me cool and when we hugged that night, I could feel the weight on my shoulder melted.

I don’t see us ever being together but I really hope I’m wrong. You make me wanna believe again, you make me wanna start praying again. May miracles happen and may we find our happily ever after in each other. I’ll miss you until I see you again. Goodnight, A 

Weekend filled with Keriang-an ❤️

I have quite a few options on what to do for this weekend, which I wish the events are all spread out on other weeks cause I would really love to go for all of it.

I had to choose between 

1. 5km Milo Run with my family - all my nieces join, and I hate to miss moments like this

2. Muse Will of The People 2023 concert - I’ve been wanting to attend Muse Live since the moment I heard Unintended probably about 20 years ago 

3. Marc’s farewell party - he’s leaving to the states in a couple of weeks and I hate to miss it, but Marc convinced me that it’s okay we’ll meet before he leaves

4. Keriang Rock Climbing Competition in Kedah with Camp5 gang - which I was so scared to join cause I haven’t been climbing properly but they’re so hyped up I would hate to miss having that energy around me

I ended up choosing the last option, I hate to miss the other events and I did not regret it one bit. I had the time of my laugh climbing, singing and laughing with the group.

I haven’t been socialising in a group as big as this for a while due to the incident that happened a couple of years back. I was….traumatised? Big groups of strangers make me anxious but I guess it’s different when it’s a group of people you share the same interest in.

I’m happy with how everything turned out. I would write longer but I’m tired for now lol. To be continued.