Time.

Despite the fact the the exam is around the corner, I still couldn't really focus on it. I still sleep as long as I wish to, I still slack around, I still waste time on nothing. You know what, this will just be another long post on my rant. I strongly advice you to just skip this one.

I hate everything at the moment. I hate the fact that I miss everyone, every thing. I hate the fact that I'm not happy in KTT. I hate the fact that exam is so near and I don't feel prepared. I hate the fact that it's so hard for me to istiqamah in doing deeds. I hate everything. It makes me feel even worse as in turn, it makes me feel ungrateful.

Maybe it's the exam pressure. Yes. That's exactly the whole thing is about. And I'm having my period now. It makes everything ten thousand times worse. Screw you if you think it's inappropriate to tell publicly about me having period, it's my blog so if you wanna judge, the big red cross is just a click away.

See how emotional I could be? Anger management problem at times like this, I bet it's normal. Is it? I don't know. My sleeping pattern is screwed up. There was a time where I slept at 8 MORNING and woke up at 3PM. Slept at 4AM and woke up at 12PM. It gives me a terrible headache and now to fix it, is another major problem.

To rub it in, I could feel my close friends drifting away. I don't know if they still read this blog. I can no longer feel the warmth, their love. Maybe it's just me being selfish. I can't expect them to stay with me, soothe me when I'm down, listen to my rant all the time. They have their own problems, they have their other better friends, they have better things to listen to.

I've never been like this. I wasn't the type of girl who cry myself to sleep. I was the kind of girl yang tak kisah lah masalah dunia besar mana pun, I could usually handle them easily. As time goes by, as things get harder, instead of growing stronger, I get weaker. Day after day, I get more and more fragile. In the past few weeks, only He knows how much I've cried. In the past few weeks, I cried more than I've ever cried in my whole life.

Almost every night, I think of all the people I miss, all the people I love and how they're so far away. And then it feels like there's a hole in my heart, like I could feel it dying, then I can't breathe, before I knew it I could feel the warm tears falling down my cheeks.

It really really makes me wonder how do I get here? Where has the old, strong, unbreakable Madihah gone to? Since when has I become so fragile, so vulnerable, so weak?

Le sigh.