Too much.

When too many things come at once, you can't help thinking life's not fair. You just wanna fall to the ground and cry your heart out. Hoping, wishing, praying that all the pain will go away with the tears. Keep hoping, keep wishing, and keep praying for things to just end already. Everything breaks you inside out, you can't feel your heart anymore, all you could feel is pain and sorrow. A heavy burden on your chest, a heavier one on your shoulder. All of it makes you feel like running away. Again, wishing for things to be okay again. But we know, everyone knows that running away from a problem won't solve it.

First, the accident. My car was hit by a bus and I was driving alone that time. I'm still traumatised. Not only traumatised to drive, I'm also traumatised to be in the car. My heart does crazy when a car gets too close, I could've gone mad when I see a bus from a mile away. I can't look out the windows when I'm in the car. I'll just look down, fiddling with my phone. And note that, I'm not a girl is easily traumatised. This is the first time I've ever felt this bad. Sigh.

My siblings gave me a hard time about it, which makes matters worse. Let's not get there.

And then the moving part. I've lived in KL since birth and now we're moving to Puchong. Kinrara Residence, to he exact. Some people might think I'm overreacting coz I'm moving to a house that's only 30 minutes away, not like I'm moving to another state or country. But still, this house, the geographical area is very strategic, easy to move about so I don't HAVE to drive around. Since I've quit driving, living in Kinrara would be a hell for me. And the memories in this house. Urgh :'(

And of course, one emotional thing triggers all the other. I miss him, I want him to be with me through all these shit but I know, it's too much to ask. He has his own life, busy with it. I hate it how at times he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world and at other times he makes me feel so unworthy. When we all know the truth, I'm nobody to him. Maybe I've been too easy with him, he takes me for granted. I'd do anything and everything to move on. I've never loved anyone this bad and I know this thing I call love, will eventually kill me. It's eating me up right now. I'm holding on to nothing, I don't know what it is I'm holdin on to but neither I can let it go. Why can't you see it? Why can't you just be mine already? We both know how we feel. Just. Haih.

I can't bear this anymore. Ya Allah, lessen all these burdens for me, I beg. I can't handle this anymore, it's tearing me apart I'm dying. I'm gasping for air, it's like I can drown in this sea of sorrow anytime. Ya Allah, I know You're with me in all these. Please, permudahkan segalanya. :'(