I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm using the library computer to blog and I'm not at all the type of person who would come to the library to use the computer. I'm always here solely for studying purpose. I used to blog a lot from the Blogger app in my phone, now that the app is not there anymore I hardly spend any time here. Blogger on mobile sucks, and I hate surfing the net with my laptop. The main role of my laptop in my life is as my movie player, sometimes I use it when I have to do a presentation and shits.
Well, anywayyyyyy
I haven't write down shits for too long it feels like everything is cramping up inside. My brain feels like it's a second away from exploding. I wish I could talk about it to someone but I doubt anyone will understand at all. My stress is really mainly due to the pressure of being in final year. Okay first, let me just warn you this blog post is gonna be a freaking 10-page essay of my rants and complaints that has been bottling up for the past 5 MONTHS!
So, final year. It's not even two months since my fourth academic year started and I tell you, my energy drains like crazy. Class will start at 9 everyday (830 on Mondays where we have exams - mind you, we have exams almost EVERY FREAKING MONDAY AND DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME ABOUT MONDAY BLUES COZ ITS NOT MONDAY BLUES FOR ME ITS MONDAY RED FREAKING HELL) and clinical posting 10am - 1pm (and usually we won't leave the clinic until 115pm?) gotta rush for lunch and Zuhur prayer so that we can make it to the afternoon class 2-4. And no, it doesn't end there. Usually at 4, instead of going back to my room lazying around sleeping like a baby on my comfy comfy bed, I've to go to the clinic cause we have quotas to finish.
Actually final year schedule isn't so bad, it's the crazy quotas and weekly exam that drives us mad. So, with everyone who knows me assume that I'm the smartest girl in the universe who wouldn't have any problem with my studies, I'm left with no one to rant all these to. The responds I will get will be "Madihah you pandai kot, boleh punya." and no, that's not soothing at all, that's not what I want to hear.
I, of course, don't exactly know what I want to hear, I don't even know enough about my mood swings to be able to talk about it to anyone. But I'm just, tired. It's very tiring feeling like this everyday. People might think I overreact when I use the word depression, but I'm pretty sure this is what depression feels like.
Empty. Isolated. Unloved, Neglected.
I miss feeling happy. It's like I miss something that isn't there, like I don't even know what it is that I'm missing. I love traveling, I feel happy when I do, but I doubt I'll be happy even if I get to travel all my life. I'll be tired and drained. I'll want home. But what if house isn't home? What if the house you go back to is just like your soul, empty?
That's just what the world is, isn't it? Nothing is permanent, nothing lasts, everything comes and go, you'll be up and you'll be down. It makes me look forward to the life in the hereafter, but do I deserve the best life in the hereafter considering the kind of life I'm living in this world?
These - all these are the thoughts that run around in my head every day, every night. How can I love myself when all I feel with I'm alone is misery? I miss my old self, so strong so independent. It's crazy to think of where I am now. I hate this place so much, I was so close to drop out of school when in first year but I'm here. That means I can go through another year, I can go through this, I will survive through this hell.
I don't want to stop writing this entry. I don't know when I'll be back. I want to let go of all the crazy thoughts in my head so they'll leave me alone, but they won't.
I just hope that one day, a part of me will learn how to love the other part of me, the messy screwed up side. Until then, I'll just float in this misery, trying to breathe, hoping to drown and end the journey.
Well, anywayyyyyy
I haven't write down shits for too long it feels like everything is cramping up inside. My brain feels like it's a second away from exploding. I wish I could talk about it to someone but I doubt anyone will understand at all. My stress is really mainly due to the pressure of being in final year. Okay first, let me just warn you this blog post is gonna be a freaking 10-page essay of my rants and complaints that has been bottling up for the past 5 MONTHS!
So, final year. It's not even two months since my fourth academic year started and I tell you, my energy drains like crazy. Class will start at 9 everyday (830 on Mondays where we have exams - mind you, we have exams almost EVERY FREAKING MONDAY AND DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME ABOUT MONDAY BLUES COZ ITS NOT MONDAY BLUES FOR ME ITS MONDAY RED FREAKING HELL) and clinical posting 10am - 1pm (and usually we won't leave the clinic until 115pm?) gotta rush for lunch and Zuhur prayer so that we can make it to the afternoon class 2-4. And no, it doesn't end there. Usually at 4, instead of going back to my room lazying around sleeping like a baby on my comfy comfy bed, I've to go to the clinic cause we have quotas to finish.
Actually final year schedule isn't so bad, it's the crazy quotas and weekly exam that drives us mad. So, with everyone who knows me assume that I'm the smartest girl in the universe who wouldn't have any problem with my studies, I'm left with no one to rant all these to. The responds I will get will be "Madihah you pandai kot, boleh punya." and no, that's not soothing at all, that's not what I want to hear.
I, of course, don't exactly know what I want to hear, I don't even know enough about my mood swings to be able to talk about it to anyone. But I'm just, tired. It's very tiring feeling like this everyday. People might think I overreact when I use the word depression, but I'm pretty sure this is what depression feels like.
Empty. Isolated. Unloved, Neglected.
I miss feeling happy. It's like I miss something that isn't there, like I don't even know what it is that I'm missing. I love traveling, I feel happy when I do, but I doubt I'll be happy even if I get to travel all my life. I'll be tired and drained. I'll want home. But what if house isn't home? What if the house you go back to is just like your soul, empty?
That's just what the world is, isn't it? Nothing is permanent, nothing lasts, everything comes and go, you'll be up and you'll be down. It makes me look forward to the life in the hereafter, but do I deserve the best life in the hereafter considering the kind of life I'm living in this world?
These - all these are the thoughts that run around in my head every day, every night. How can I love myself when all I feel with I'm alone is misery? I miss my old self, so strong so independent. It's crazy to think of where I am now. I hate this place so much, I was so close to drop out of school when in first year but I'm here. That means I can go through another year, I can go through this, I will survive through this hell.
I don't want to stop writing this entry. I don't know when I'll be back. I want to let go of all the crazy thoughts in my head so they'll leave me alone, but they won't.
I just hope that one day, a part of me will learn how to love the other part of me, the messy screwed up side. Until then, I'll just float in this misery, trying to breathe, hoping to drown and end the journey.
2 comments:
Salam Madihah, I read your post and I want to say that I am on my final year too. It feels like that for me as well especially when I started the final year project.. InsyaAllah things will get better that is what I tell myself. I even posted motivational cards around my room so they can remind me if I start to think negatively. One more thing that helped me is my motivational book, I have this book Don't Be Sad it is not all about being sad but it is about Islamic motivation mostly. I miss my loved ones too and what helps me is when I read the Quran then I read the meanings then after that I make my doa or share with Allah my problems it makes me feel like He is listening to me and cares for me and watches over me always. I even put on my wall to trust Allah's plans , He is the Best Planner. Everyone has their own ways to motivate themselves. I am just sharing with you some of mine with hope that it will help you find the best way to motivate yourself. All the best and sending prayers to you... take care
I just saw this! Thanks a lot yazzy. I'll try keeping all that in my head. Sometimes I'm good but well when things get too hectic and you're alone in your room and bam, all the shitty feelings come. Inshallah we can do this, lets always pray for each other's success and I miss you!
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