At this moment, there are so many people that I miss, too many that I can't even possibly list them down but there's this one particular person that I miss the most. The one person that I'd do anything to just have her around again - my old self. My old self who never cried, my old self whose heart was as strong as timber, unbreakable like diamond. I was fearless, invincible. Nothing in the world scared me. I walked through the dark quiet alleys past midnight in the heart of the busiest unsafe city, I went to unknown places searching for an identity, I wasn't scared at all. A lonely future? A life of my own in my very own studio house apartment in a tall building in the middle of a big city? Bring it on. Fear? That word wasn't in old Madihah's dictionary.
Things changed after a couple of years. Things started to change once I found out what "love" feels like. "Love" makes you feel attached, it makes you scared, cause it's out of your control. I started loving my family, and then there's this new, weak, fragile, dumb girl who always succumb to her bad emotions.
I had a conversation about this with a good friend of mine. I told her I miss the old me, the fearless fierce confident me, I also told her what changed me. Here's what she said;
"You become afraid cause now you've something to lose. You've people you care about, whom you know care about you, too. Back then when you didn't love/care about anyone, all you think about is yourself. If someone killed you while you're walking back home alone past midnight? Well, okay you died. But now? You gotta think of it's impact on your family, how whatever you do will affect them too. You start to care, but Madihah, that ain't a bad thing."
Some days what she said makes sense, that "it ain't a bad thing"
But on a day like this, where I'm torn apart inside, broken in so many ways, missing all the people I love, wasting gallons of tears on something so petty, something the old won't even give a shit about, of course I wish I hadn't changed.
This is the quietest, most dull Syawal eve of my life, with takbir raya playing in the background, all calls diverted to the voicemail box, torrents of tears, with no one at all to comfort me. I can't help but think, "Allah, are you giving me a sneak peek of my future?"
Things changed after a couple of years. Things started to change once I found out what "love" feels like. "Love" makes you feel attached, it makes you scared, cause it's out of your control. I started loving my family, and then there's this new, weak, fragile, dumb girl who always succumb to her bad emotions.
I had a conversation about this with a good friend of mine. I told her I miss the old me, the fearless fierce confident me, I also told her what changed me. Here's what she said;
"You become afraid cause now you've something to lose. You've people you care about, whom you know care about you, too. Back then when you didn't love/care about anyone, all you think about is yourself. If someone killed you while you're walking back home alone past midnight? Well, okay you died. But now? You gotta think of it's impact on your family, how whatever you do will affect them too. You start to care, but Madihah, that ain't a bad thing."
Some days what she said makes sense, that "it ain't a bad thing"
But on a day like this, where I'm torn apart inside, broken in so many ways, missing all the people I love, wasting gallons of tears on something so petty, something the old won't even give a shit about, of course I wish I hadn't changed.
This is the quietest, most dull Syawal eve of my life, with takbir raya playing in the background, all calls diverted to the voicemail box, torrents of tears, with no one at all to comfort me. I can't help but think, "Allah, are you giving me a sneak peek of my future?"
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