Is this love?

I’m in the mood to write tonight, probably because I’m flooded by this all-too-familiar feeling that I haven’t felt in the longest time, but also very different.

They love brings you peace, your soulmate is someone who brings peace into your life. If that is the definition of a soulmate, I think I’ve found mine. He’s a very good friend, and everyone who knows that I’m ‘crushing’ on him would say, “then why don’t you just date him?”

I wish its that easy. It’s so cliche to say ‘I’m scared I’ll ruin the friendship’ but this time, I really am worried about it. I’ve known him for a while now, since 2019, but back then he had a girlfriend and that makes my mental boundary strong and clear. No matter how much I liked him back then, I know I shouldn’t act on it, or even entertain the thoughts.

We started getting close again this year, but things have changed. Is it because he’s single now? I don't know, maybe. But i realise how much at peace I feel when he’s around. His presence keeps me calm, and with every second that I spend with him, my heart feels full.

But the problem here is, this is all one sided. I have no idea how he feels about me, and I’m pretty sure I’m nothing more than just a good friend. Is it my instincts or is it something in my head trying to protect me from getting involved in something that could actually happen?

He’s away for 3 weeks and I haven’t missed anyone this much for so long.

I know he’s very good looking, girls swoon over him, throw themselves at him, but it isn’t any of those that attracted me. I admit I also think he’s super cute, I’ve thought about that since day 1 of catching a glimpse of him 4 years ago. But this isn’t just that, this is a feeling that has grown over the years I’ve known him. I love the way he speaks to people, he’s honest and soft. And when we start to go into deeper topics, I can tell that he’s a very responsible son, responsible brother, responsible employee. He’s a person who puts his heart into what he’s doing. He’s patient, and calm, he’s a cure to my chaos though he would have no idea that he is. When i get angry on the road, his voice in my head keeps me cool and when we hugged that night, I could feel the weight on my shoulder melted.

I don’t see us ever being together but I really hope I’m wrong. You make me wanna believe again, you make me wanna start praying again. May miracles happen and may we find our happily ever after in each other. I’ll miss you until I see you again. Goodnight, A