Heartache.

"Do you still love, like have feelings for him?"

When my close friends asked me this question, usually I'll confidently answer "What...is that even a  question? NO!". It's with no hint of denial, I really felt that way.

Yesterday I went out with someone who I just started to call my 'friend'. Despite that fact, she knows me inside out. She knows me too well that though we've never really talked, and the last time we talked we didn't even talk but practically screamed and argued with each other. Cut the long story short, she knows me very very well. It's impossible to hide anything from her.

Of course, she didn't just blurt out that question. At first he just mentioned his name, and I could feel my heart breaks little by little. I thought I had hidden it well, but when she asked me about him, all I could respond was "It was complicated, feelings were involved." and she said "You don't have to tell me, I can easily tell that. No, it's not because he told me or anything. I can just tell."

The conversation finally led to that question, and I became speechless, but I managed to say it aloud "No, of course not, or at least I'm trying not to." her respond? "Like I'm gonna buy that."

Sigh. It's hard. It's very hard to exert a resistive force to put the feelings to a halt. The force, the feelings were too strong. But I know it's all was just a huge mistake. I know, I didn't love him, I loved the IDEA of him. Well, at least thats what I'm trying to convince myself to think. I'm not gonna look back. She can never be any more wrong when she said "He can be a really good best friend, but a boyfriend? No. He's a jerk."

It's funny, really. She the person that I least expected to be a good friend of mine. You know, Allah is the best of planners. I believe in that. I believe this good friendship that we have is the 'sunshine' after the 'rain'.

Heartache? It's still there, but it no longer breaks me. I'm strong now. I have Allah by my side.

Do I still have feelings for him? I'm on a jihad to fight it. Quoted by I don't know who but "Bertemu dan berpisah kerana Allah."

Inshaallah. La Tahzan, Innaallahama'na :)