Suicidal Ideations.

 I'm just gonna start off this post with a cliche phrase "It has been a while since I was last here" lol.

Life has been pretty harsh on me. Okay, maybe I'll correct that. My brain has been very hard on myself. My life has been alright. I mean, I just got into a remission from the most terrible episode of my life.

A breakup is never easy for someone with an anxious attachment style like me, but the previous one was somehow bearable. It was probably the cleanest I ever had. We had a good time, then going through a rough patch, we tried, I swear we tried, but when things aren't meant to be, no matter how much you try to mold it into becoming something that you want, it just won't. It hurts, of course it hurts. But life goes on.

The thing worse than the breakup is my transfer to another clinic. I don't know why, I just really hate it here. The people are nice, but I have too much of free time that really doesn't help. The good thing is, this is temporary. I'll go back to my old clinic starting new year, which is only over a month away.

Having moved on from the breakup, and my transfer back to my old clinic is made official (the letter is out) I feel better. During my free time, I would try and search for a new workplace since my contract would end in about 6 months and high chance is I won't get absorbed into the system. I kinda look forward to entering the private sector. I start signing up for courses and it's a nice feeling to have, knowing it'll help me grow and be more competent.

Logically, I'm supposed to feel better. I have a goal, I have things to look forward to. Now that the lockdown restrictions are lifted, I can climb again. But at the end of a good day, where I lie in bed, or my sofa (my favorite comfort place), the thoughts come back.

I get frustrated that I'm still alive. I ask God to let me meet Death soon. Despite having a productive week, spending fun times with family and friends, I still want to die. That makes me even more frustrated. Why is it that even on a good day I want things to end? Will I ever feel happy again, then? My heart, I have to place my hand over my chest to see that it's still beating cause I can't feel it anymore. Even now as I'm writing this, it feels like my chest is empty, hollow. How can there be a beating heart in there? Maybe if I wish for it hard enough it would eventually stop?

I've been thinking of ways to end it. A week ago I accidentally broke a glass, so it has sharp edges around it. The first thought that came to mind was, I could use that to cut my hands (though I can always just use the knives I have in my kitchen, but I just have to be dramatic, don't I?). Then I actually start thinking about the knives in my kitchen, how cute and pink they are, maybe dying by those cute little knives wouldn't be so bad. Then I start thinking about jumping off my balcony but it's only on the first floor, I wouldn't die from that, probably broke my legs which is worse than death. Then of course there's my darling baby Vios that I've been driving for over 10 years. So many people die of car crash, I could easily add up on that statistics.

How do I justify feeling all these, having all these thoughts sticking to my brain like a plague, when my life is going alright, when I actually feel fine? I deleted Instagram apps off of my phone, I deactivated my Twitter a while back, I turnd off my mobile data for WhatsApp. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to....die. I don't want to burden my friends with questions that carry the weight of the world. What if I finally decided to do it after talking to them. They would spend their life in regret, remorse, probably blaming themselves for not seeing it. I don't want that. None of them had done nothing but help me survive until now. Maybe not talking to them would help make it easier.

I don't know if this would be my last post. I don't think I have the balls to actually try and kill myself, but I surely pray very hard to God to take my life away. I really hope that this would be the last, as in, because I die, not because I abandon it lol.

Or maybe, just maybe, at some point my impulses win over my fear and I just get on with it. Who knows