Thankful for you.

 The time in between the sessions was very challenging this time around. Something triggered me. Something so simple, supposedly doesn’t mean anything, triggered me. What was it? His name.

Just a single word, a single name and my world started crumbling down. I lost sleep, I spent my every waking hour tiring myself out, I worked out, I went out with people draining my social energy, anything just to keep you off my mind. But at the end of the day, I’ll lay on my bed tired as hell, still couldn’t sleep cause you’re on my mind.

It was stressful, and tiring, and I was filled with self loathe about how pathetic I am. I should’ve moved on, he shouldn’t have this effect on me anymore, not after 4 years for dating hardly than 4 months. 

In yesterdays session, I unloaded all of it on Zac. 

And now I feel a lot better. Idk what is it about him; maybe it’s his calm demeanour, or maybe it’s just him being very good at his job. One thing I can say for sure at this point is he’s my peace. A thousand other people can say the same things he did, but none could keep me calm, peaceful and grounded the way he does it. Validation and reassurances that come from him feels solid.

Feeling slightly anxious at the moment, I wish I could keep him in my pocket at all times to keep my anxiety at bay, lol. 

I might’ve said this a thousand times before but I’m gonna say it again, I’m so thankful I met you. Thank you for making my world a better place. 

Anyway, an update on my EMDR therapy, todays session provoked uneasy feelings - ones where I didn’t expect. At some point my mind went blank, I tried to force thoughts to come in, something, anything, but nothing. “No thoughts come in, I can’t think of anything but I feel a churning in my stomach and my breaths are getting shallow.”

Z “Do you want to keep going or do you want to stop here? Either way is fine, whichever you’re comfortable with.”

I wanted to keep going, but it’s like my mind is blocked. Something is guarding my thoughts, it’s frustrating, it made me anxious and … “it’s okay, you’re safe in the room with me, whatever thoughts that come in, they’re in the past. You’re here with me now.”

“But there’s nothing. I can’t, it’s all blank, I tried to think of something anything but nothing.”

“Maybe your body is not ready to let that thought out yet, and maybe we should respect that. Maybe all these while your body has been keeping it from you, to protect you, it needs to feel safe to let them out. Do you wanna continue or shall we stop here?”

With the anxiety churning in my stomach, I decided to stop. The session was supposed to end 5min ago, but he offered to extend the session a little bit until I feel better, calmer. After a few relaxation exercises, I did feel better and calmer, “This is a proof that you are in control. These thoughts might arise again in between our sessions, remember this moment, remember that you’re in control and the thoughts, the memories they’re in the past.”

Fluffy.

 I’m feeling a little stressed out about a few things. Some things triggered me, which I really wish they hadn’t. But again, instead of going back to the things Zac taught me to stay grounded, my mind goes back to him, lol. Having him in my head keeps me grounded, talking to him in my head keeps me grounded, knowing that I’ll be seeing him to unload the mess in my head keeps me grounded.

I’m not gonna deny I like him. As much as everyone around me asking me to be careful about it, I wouldn’t mind admitting that I do like him. How can I not when he’s the person who provides for me what I need most - feeling safe, secured and heard. For that one hour in every two weeks, he’s there to listen to whatever crap I have in my head, stupid things that trigger me, the fighting voices in my head, my ridiculous repetitive dreams. He’s always there saying the right words, telling me things I need to hear in a way that it’s stuck in my head for weeks giving me a feel of peace. So yes, how can I not like him? But all these, with a clear boundary in my head of the professional relationship we are in.

He taught me what I’d want in my relationship, what a healthy relationship feels like. I’m so glad I met you.

Going the other way.

 I had another session today, and unlike the previous session, today I left feeling….something isn’t right. Something is bothering me. I start to feel this as soon as I left the place.

Maybe it’s the last thing we talked about before the session ended. When we pick a memory to deal with for our next session, it included my dad. Someone I really despise, someone I resent, someone I <I> hate </I> . I blame everything on him - all this mental issues I’m facing, my attachment issues, my abandonment issues. If he had done a better job at being a dad I may have been better .

So yeah, I’m now filled with rage to the point of nausea, though I manage to stay “calm”ish. The methods he taught me probably works, though not entirely. 

Also, maybe I’m scared of starting this exercise. Maybe I’m scared to feel better. Maybe I don’t wanna be better? Who would I be without all these crazy thoughts in my head. I am already looking forward to our next session and it has only been about 4 hours since our last session. This is gonna be a tough 2 weeks gap, but we’ll make it through. 

And also, I may also be physically worn out that my head probably feels heavy cause I’m not well. Been taking paracetamol but it doesn’t take the headache away. The heat is unbearable oh good lord.

Escape.

 Well I guess it’s human nature to always want what you don’t have. When you’re free you wish you’ve something to do, when you’re busy you wish you can just chill and not do anything. Well I’m that human, that human is me. 

Too much free time makes me overthink, too exhausted makes me feel….well, exhausted which usually leads to me getting all the shitty feeling. When will I get to rest? How much longer do I have to do all these? Do I really have to do this for the rest of my life? 

So yeah, now I’m at that phase. Zac taught me quite a few things to stay grounded when these thoughts get too overwhelming.

I have an imaginary container for me to dump all these things that make me feel shitty, I’ll lock them in until I’m ready to face it. I can unlock and deal with these thoughts when I’m ready, or during the sessions where we can figure it out together. 

I also have “sand”, the keyword to my happy thought, that when I think of it sends a pleasant warmth all over my body. This works in giving me the pleasant feels at the same time, doesn’t really help in pushing the unpleasant feels away.

And then there’s of course the breathing techniques, the muscle contraction and relaxation techniques to help me when my mind is too tired to deal w shit, I could physically focus on my muscles actions.

But in the end, what helps is me imagining in my head, that I’m talking to him. What keeps me going is knowing that I’ll be seeing him in a few days and I’ll get to unload of whatever this thing that’s so heavy in my head.

Priorities.

 I don’t think this is worth an entry, it doesn’t annoy me that much, or it kinda does but not really? Idk.

I’m no saint, but when family or a friend needs my help, I usually try my very best to help them. Sometimes it’s at the expense of me cancelling something I’ve planned for a while, at the expense of me postponing something I’ve been looking forward to, at the expense of sacrificing the little time I have left to rest considering my very packed schedule.

I also realise that when I need help, just a simple favour of dropping me off at the immigration office at 730am, no one was around to help me. “Sorry I have to see a friend that morning.”

That makes me realise, over and again (lol), that I’m no one’s priority. Why do I even bother asking people for help when all my life, I’ve been doing things on my own. Jokes on you, madsterz. Anyway, I drove to the immigration by myself and everything was surprisingly very smooth, nothing like that the Google review said. Alhamdulillah.

Now the table is turned where you need my help. I helped you once, it wasn’t very convenient for me to do so but I did anyways, and I was okay with it. I didn’t mind it. You asked for my help again, at the wrong timing which I asked you to remind me, which you didn’t, which I had forgotten due to the chaotic morning - it’s audit day for my clinic.

When you asked me about it, I said exactly that. You didn’t remind me, I forgot. “I’ve loads of things to do in the morning I didn’t have the time to remind you.” I hate to break this to you, you aren’t the only one with crazy schedule. “Do you want to help me or not? If you don’t want to then fine.”

As if I intentionally didn’t wanna help, as if I don’t have a day job which help me to pay my bills. This made me realise how shitty are the people I prioritise in my life. People who never appreciate me, people who never prioritise me, people who only look for me when it’s convenient.

You only have you, Madihah. You’re not on anyone’s priority list. Sedar diri sikit.