11/5/2023
I probably should’ve started this long time ago. My first therapy session was in December last year (2022). I believe I have come a long way since then, though a couple of days ago I was having the “downward spiral” again which called for an “emergency” session today.
I usually see Zac every two weeks, though he’s been telling me it’s okay to call and book a session any time between the sessions if needed. There has been a few times which I felt like I needed it, but eventually I decided that “maybe I’m fine it’s all just in my head”. But this time around, I couldn’t handle it on my own, I need it, I need help.
Of course, naturally, in my head I’ve been telling myself about how “you’re perfectly fine you don’t need this session, you’re overreacting. It’s nothing. What are you gonna tell him?” Those thoughts didn’t help, it only made my anxiety worse but I showed up anyway.
“Hi, so how are you? Our session should’ve been next week. Is everything okay?”
So I just….started telling him all the things that bothered me. The PTSD-feels I get when going back to my old house, how I feel about not feeling the connection with my best friend whom I used to feel 100% connected to, how that made me realise that I don’t have that connection with anyone, will I ever get that again with anyone else? Probably not. I’ll end up alone and I wouldn’t have anyone with me. And it goes further down until one point the pinch in my chest is so tight I couldn’t breathe properly, my head hurts. In that instance I wanted to talk to someone, but I don’t wanna bother anyone - whoever that is, my best friends or my brother or whoever that would listen. And then all the thoughts come again, even stronger.
And he asked me “Why didn’t you wanna talk to these people who care for you? Who want to be there for you?”
“I don’t wanna burden them. I know these thoughts are heavy, uncomfortable to listen to, I don’t wanna put them in that position. And I’ve been dealing with this since forever. I can’t keep going back to them every single time telling them the same shit, I know they’re sick of it.”
Zac “Did they tell you that they’re sick of listening to your problems?”
Me “They’re my good friends, of course they’re not gonna say that to my face.”
Zac “If you have a friend telling you about their problems, would you feel that way?”
Me “Of course not. I’m okay to listen, though I will feel bad for not being able to do anything other than that. I wish I could make them feel better. I don’t want the people who care for me feel that way.”
Zac “They’re good friends, they care for you. They want to support you, and it’s okay to have people to support you. You don’t always have to do things alone.”
And what he said next, though very simple, though it’s probably something I’ve heard a thousand times before, made all the anxiety seeped away.
“It’s okay to need help.”
I told him that I also worry about being attached to this - therapy, to him. This is a place that gives me the sense of security, what if some day you’re gone, migrated to another country, what would happen then.
I said the same thing to my supposed best friend and her response was “please don’t get yourself attached to this, you might wanna have more gaps in between sessions, I don’t think you should book more sessions in between either.”
That answer worsened my overthinking. It turned my judgment from thinking therapy is good for me instead of you shouldn’t be attached to therapy/your therapist.
I told that to him too, he asked me;
“Do you think it’s a bad thing, coming here?”
Me “I don’t know. I know this is good for me, I have a few people who are close to me telling me that have seen positive changes in how I see things, how I respond to things since I started therapy. But what she said made me question all that. I’ve read on the net that how you feel about therapy is very much like how you feel in a relationship, and I have an anxious-attachment style. So those questions start playing in my head - what if I DO get attached, do I have to do this for the rest of my life; what if suddenly someday you’re just not here anymore,”
Zac “What you feel is very valid. And we are here to help you go through this, we’ll figure this out together. Yes you’ll need more sessions in the beginning, it gives you that sense of security, which is what you need when you’re anxiously attached. Over time, when you’re better, we can have more gaps in between sessions, and it’s only when you’re ready. And I will be here, I have no plans to migrate or move anywhere else at least for the next few years. If I were to, I would definitely let you know months in advance. I wouldn’t just…get up and leave. And do remember what I said, it’s okay to need help. It’s okay to come to therapy, whatever people say, it’s you who have to face whatever it is that you’re facing. I will be here.”
I leave therapy today feeling totally relieved, secured, and calm. I write what happened today cause I wanna remember how I feel today. Even now as I write all these negative thoughts, my heart feels alright, there’s no tightness, no heaviness, his reassurances puts my mind at ease. Thank you for doing what you’re doing, as for now, you are my anchor keeping me grounded, for that, I thank god for putting you in the path of my life.
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