Binge writing.

 ….if that’s a thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Zac said, “it’s okay to reach out to people, it’s okay to ask for support.” But I don’t think I know how to do it anymore. If anything, it makes me feel weak. I cringe at the thought of me telling people about what’s in my head anymore. 

Now that I look back, I realise that I never really talked to anyone about what’s bothering me since I started going to therapy. Yes, I’ll update them about how my sessions went, I told them the good bits where therapy really helped me become a calmer person. When I’m at peace and my anxiety well under control, I’m not irritable, I’m not the girl with bad temper. That’s what people like to hear, right?

I no longer text people late at night when I can’t sleep. I no longer call people when I feel lonely in the car or at home after work, or once I’m lying down on my bed. I no longer bother the people around me with my fear od being alone, yet I’m also scared of being close to people.

It’s been ingrained so deep in my brain that I’ll end up alone anyways. I look up to all those independent woman who can do life on their own; be it from fixing a leaking pipe to managing a multimillionaire business company. I look up to independent successful people, cause that’s what I have made myself believe I want to be.

“Leave before you get left.” At this point I’m sure I’ve left a lot of friends behind. I’ve created a boundary even with my own family, cause I know in the end, I’ll be all alone while they have a family of their own.

I didn’t notice this until I blurted it all out during my session, and Zac said “Hopefully, with whatever it is that we’re doing now, we’ll be able to chip off that wall little by little, at the pace that you’re comfortable with.”

At this point I do feel lonely. It’s weird having Zac’s voice in my head all the time. The ones who usually occupy my brain were the person I was with, or my dark side bringing me to dark places. Now I have this voice in my head, one who I’m very comfortable with no romantic interested. It makes me feel secure, and for now that’s enough to keep me grounded. 

There’ll be more similar posts coming cause as much as his voice in my head provides me peace, I need to let out my thoughts. It has to be out there, out of my head and out of my chest. 

When I started writing this I was a little anxious and now it has gone away. Now it’s time for a good night’s sleep as I’m still super tired since last week. Won’t be getting any rest until the weekend. Until then, just gotta keep hustling.