The time in between the sessions was very challenging this time around. Something triggered me. Something so simple, supposedly doesn’t mean anything, triggered me. What was it? His name.
Just a single word, a single name and my world started crumbling down. I lost sleep, I spent my every waking hour tiring myself out, I worked out, I went out with people draining my social energy, anything just to keep you off my mind. But at the end of the day, I’ll lay on my bed tired as hell, still couldn’t sleep cause you’re on my mind.
It was stressful, and tiring, and I was filled with self loathe about how pathetic I am. I should’ve moved on, he shouldn’t have this effect on me anymore, not after 4 years for dating hardly than 4 months.
In yesterdays session, I unloaded all of it on Zac.
And now I feel a lot better. Idk what is it about him; maybe it’s his calm demeanour, or maybe it’s just him being very good at his job. One thing I can say for sure at this point is he’s my peace. A thousand other people can say the same things he did, but none could keep me calm, peaceful and grounded the way he does it. Validation and reassurances that come from him feels solid.
Feeling slightly anxious at the moment, I wish I could keep him in my pocket at all times to keep my anxiety at bay, lol.
I might’ve said this a thousand times before but I’m gonna say it again, I’m so thankful I met you. Thank you for making my world a better place.
Anyway, an update on my EMDR therapy, todays session provoked uneasy feelings - ones where I didn’t expect. At some point my mind went blank, I tried to force thoughts to come in, something, anything, but nothing. “No thoughts come in, I can’t think of anything but I feel a churning in my stomach and my breaths are getting shallow.”
Z “Do you want to keep going or do you want to stop here? Either way is fine, whichever you’re comfortable with.”
I wanted to keep going, but it’s like my mind is blocked. Something is guarding my thoughts, it’s frustrating, it made me anxious and … “it’s okay, you’re safe in the room with me, whatever thoughts that come in, they’re in the past. You’re here with me now.”
“But there’s nothing. I can’t, it’s all blank, I tried to think of something anything but nothing.”
“Maybe your body is not ready to let that thought out yet, and maybe we should respect that. Maybe all these while your body has been keeping it from you, to protect you, it needs to feel safe to let them out. Do you wanna continue or shall we stop here?”
With the anxiety churning in my stomach, I decided to stop. The session was supposed to end 5min ago, but he offered to extend the session a little bit until I feel better, calmer. After a few relaxation exercises, I did feel better and calmer, “This is a proof that you are in control. These thoughts might arise again in between our sessions, remember this moment, remember that you’re in control and the thoughts, the memories they’re in the past.”
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