Madihah and her endless rants.

It's just one of those nights I feel like writing, at the same time having a block where my lines just don't feel right. I don't even know what to write about actually. Life has been pretty monotonous - exam stress, excessive workload, perpetual tiredness. It's the same thing over and over.

I guess I'll write about what's happening in my life right now. Okay so currently I'm in prosthodontics department - it's the department where you make dentures (teeth set) and it's one of the departments that I dread the most.

Firstly, it's because I've had my fair share of uncooperative patients last year - my complete denture patient didn't turn up for the try-in procedure, and my partial denture patients were never on time for appointments. It's rather annoying, I must say dealing with people like this but that's just how it's like in the real world, something I gotta get used to.

I tried to be positive this year, I tried to enter the department feeling all positive and 'This will be good' vibe but everything just gone haywire since week one.

I'm blessed to have one of the best staff as my supervisor, at the same time I was pretty scared. There had been rumours about him having a temper, so you know somehow what you heard affected you greatly. So yeah, at the time when I found out he's going to be my supervisor it's a mixed feeling of thankfulness and anxiousness.

So week 1, my clinical work went pretty smoothly, I didn't have much problems with that but it's the lab work that I struggle with - again, due to rumours saying he's like this, he's like that, so I'm scared. I was insecure with every single steps I took.

There was a time where I was doing my lab work and he walked in to lab, and like "You're doing this wrong, The consistency of this mix is incorrect, and you're supposed to use the other method." and that's the day where my world just crumbles down. I was aware of my wrong consistency, I was trying to fix them seconds before he came in, and the other method? It's impossible now that I'm already doing it with the other method halfway. So I get pretty damn scared, and to make things worse? I broke that damn thing. I broke a pretty important part of it, but it's broken in such a way that it can be perfectly placed back to it's place - put on super glue and tadaa. That's what everyone asked me to do, even the technicians. Hence that's exactly what I did.

In the meantime, I have to take up another case. So for that one, I tried to use the method he asked me to - it was hard because I've only done that method when I was in first year pre-clinic. It took ages for me to build it up and by the time I was done, the lab was closing (lunch time) and it didn't set properly and it was just a total mess - totally unfix-able. I gathered up the courage to tell him and he said "It's okay we'll have to repeat the previous procedure then." So I'm like "Phew okay"

On the following clinical procedure (one that I had broken and super glued), we were doing the clinical procedure when he noticed "You broke the cast?" I admitted, of course, there's no point of denying. He got pretty mad, "Why didn't you tell me this? We've been wasting time. You should've told me. What did I tell you about the other one you broke?" I told him I asked the technicians and they said it's fine, and he repeated "But you didn't ask me." I was on the verge of breaking down and I said sorry a couple of times, which he replied saying he just wanted me to be honest in doing m work, he feels like I'm trying to camouflage my mistakes hoping he didn't see it. He passed the lab work for that particular clinical procedure to the technician, and he asked me to observe how she does it - since it's going to be pretty complicated to make up for the damage I'd done.

At that time, I felt totally hopeless - again, it's because people say 'He'll give the lab work to the technicians when he feels that the student is hopeless.'

I went back crying my eyeballs out, it's just so frustrating. I'm not the kind who can't do my work properly, I've never felt like this for not being able to do a lab work like that.

A similar thing happened even with my second patient, in which he said 'Why Madihah,why is this happening?' I've nothing to say to that, I guess I'm just really bad at it.

But you see, the thing is, he never really screamed at me. He doesn't actually have the kind of temper people were talking about. And I guess he knows that I'm particularly bad at doing that one particular lab work, because for the following procedures, he allowed me to do things on my own. He even said my clinical work was 'really good', and took my normal clinical work as my examination case.

Just when I thought things were going fine, I was already on my last step, it was all done - I was already finishing and polishing. And guess what? I broke the lower teeth set. Despite the whole lab asking me to just fix it with the repairing procedure, I went to see him and told him I broke it. I thought he was going to be mad, because, like seriously? Another one? Yet all he did was ask me how it happened and "It's fine, we'll have to repeat this lower one. Get the custom tray ready for tomorrow, alright?"

So when the patient comes the next day, the upper set was placed in the patient's mouth while I was repeating the lower one. When he comes to see my work, he couldn't take it out from the patient's mouth too easily, so he said "Wow so tight it is?" I know that that's how dentures should be, they should be tight for retention, stability and support but he said it in such a way that made me hesitantly ask "Sir, is that a good thing or a bad thing?" "It's a good thing! Why, just because you broke the lower denture you're losing your confidence? It's fine Madihah, dentures break, but never lose your confidence."

At that time, I felt so touched to the point that I might've cried - I'm in that emotional turbulence thing now I guess. At that time also, I felt half of the pressure I've felt in the past couple of weeks lifted up - he might not find me as a disappointment after all. After that before I left the clinic, he told me "Take care of the upper denture properly alright."

Now that my brain is clearer, and calmer, and more at ease, looking back at how he treats me, it was kind of funny.

I've a feeling that he thinks I'm the most blur student ever existed. Whenever he explains something to me, he'll end it with "I hope you get what I'm saying." and I'll reply with a "Yes, sir" or "I don't actually get it" so he'll explain again. And he always makes me repeat what he says, there was a time he was explaining "You'll have to paint the material all over. You know why?" "Cause it's doesn't have a good flow property." "Yes. So, what do we have to do with the material?" "I've to paint it all over."

I find that particular scene hilarious. Even during our viva, after asking the first question he was like "You understand my question, right? You get what I'm asking you?", and after it's done "Do you have any doubt about anything?" I asked a few things and then he ended with "If there's anything at all you don't understand about CD, RPD or FPD, you're welcomed to come and ask me anytime, okay?"

And when I tell my friends about it, they say I've this really blank/blur face on, really? This is the first time I get that. I wonder if it's a good or bad thing?

So yeah, he isn't at all like what people have been saying about him. Well, he has this intimidating vibe, I can't deny that but he is really a very nice person, the best supervisor I wouldn't ask for another. As of now things are doing fine alhamdulillah and I hope it will continue being so. I enjoy the attention he gave me (hahaha) and good thing is, I won't really miss him or anything once the posting is over, cause he's also my supervisor in another preclinical work so yeah, moral value of the story - never listen to the bad things people say about other people. Reach out to them, get to know them and see what you have to say about that person for yourself.