The heart never gets tired.

I think I’m in love…..yet again. And of course I’m gonna start with the “but this time it feels different.”

I’m scared, to be honest. Too used to being love bombed, to being stuck in situationship endlessly, to have to bear with the anxiety of dating flaky guys unsure of what they want in life.

As cliche as this sounds, you feel different. You make me feel differently. You’re so…direct, the straightforwardness is refreshing. I know it’s too soon to call this love, but it’s a beautiful thing.

It’s been awhile since someone held my hands the way he did, and it feels so good. I miss you already ❤️

Same old, same old.

 All hail to the queen of delulu haha. I really thought we had something special going on. Long story short (to summarise what happened since the last post), I confessed and it was a soft rejection of “let’s remain friends” but me being Madihah, I don’t give up just like that. I respect his decision of wanting to be friends, of course, and if anything, we grew closer. We attended a concert together (one of the best memories I have with him after ABC trip), we went to Genting and just wander around aimlessly together, we walked around Petaling Street and just enjoyed being in each other’s company.

It all ended abruptly when his demeanour changed, it literally felt like “a total eclipse of the heart” kinda thing. I asked him about it but he said “it’s not you it’s me” told me not to worry about it he just needed some space and time alone.

Sounds all too familiar, isn’t it? I tried talking to him, I tried to be there for him, maybe my gesture as a good friend is a little too much for him. All my efforts only brought him further and further from me.

Blessing in disguise? I’m getting close to a new group of friends in Camp5. I did bump into him once or twice and it was pretty tense and awkward. Still, I tried texting him a couple of times.

I wish I could live up to “orang dah taknak kau blah je doh”. Took me awhile to finally be able to do that. It’s kinda sad, I really thought we found our way back for a reason but I guess it served as a lesson lol.

But I still love you a big deal, in whatever way it is. I’m annoyed but I’m sure you have your reasons. I wish you nothing but the best, I wish you a life showered with God’s mercy and blessing. Goodbye.

I think it is.

 3 weeks are finally up, quite early in the morning decided to casually text him “When will you be back in KL?”

“I’m flying back tonight, will reach KL at 10pm.”

I wished him well, and went on with my plan of just lazying around cause I don’t have anything planned until late afternoon.

At about 9am, a person I thought to be my confidante in good and bad times decided to verbally attack me on my spirituality - the way I dress up and my relationship with God. It was a short encounter but it really did feel like an attack. I was sad and angry, my mood for the weekend was spoiled and I kinda don’t wanna sit and mope around.

A crazy idea struck my head, I sent him a proposal of it.

“Hey this sounds a little crazy but I’m just trying my luck. What do you say if I pick you up at the airport tonight at 10pm, then we head straight to Perlis?”

Perlis is where all our climber friends are - they have a competition which I was so dead set on NOT joining lol.

Of course I expected a “I’m sorry I’m too tired for such a long drive.”

Instead of that, he asked me a few questions - who’s gonna be there, do we have a place to stay, is it okay for me to pick him up. After I’ve answered all that, his texts came in.

“You know what? Let’s do it!”

I packed my pillows and comforters, since all the rooms in the Airbnb our friends are at was occupied, we’re just gonna crash on the living room. “There’s plenty of room so just bring whatever that will help make you more comfortable!” They said.

I’m glad I have to teach a climbing course from 4 to 8, that means I don’t just wait and stare at the clock until 9pm. Once I’m done with my course, I drove to pick him up at klia2 and ah, it feels so good to see him after so long (3 weeks) lol

The drive was a fun one, despite him being so tired, he was up 90% of the trip and we were just talking random issues. 

I’m too lazy to finish the story but I don’t wanna forget a particular moment in the car.

I emergency-braked cause the car in front of us suddenly stopped. Everytime I feel like my brake isn’t smooth, I have this reflect of touching the person next to me. If I’m driving, I’ll hold the person in the passenger seat and if I’m the passenger, I’ll hold the driver. Maybe it’s an internal protective instinct trying to stop them from jerking forward or whatever. 

This time, the same thing happened, but there’s a slight difference. When I reach out my hand to him, he held my hand and he held it a few seconds longer. My heart leaped and I don’t know what to do.

You see, the usual situation is I would be the one holding, so when the brake situation is done, everything is safe, I’d let go. But now he’s the old holding my hand, do I leave it there? Is this gonna be awkward? Haha well after a few seconds I moved my hands and he kinda let go but our hands are also still kinda touching then I just pulled my hand and placed it on the arm rest.

Let’s just say….that incidence (and the whole conversation we had on our 12 hours drive) made me certain that I do not want to lose the chance of being with him. I’ve decided that I would confess my feelings for him when we are at Annapurna Base Camp, that’s 26 days away. 

Is this love?

I’m in the mood to write tonight, probably because I’m flooded by this all-too-familiar feeling that I haven’t felt in the longest time, but also very different.

They love brings you peace, your soulmate is someone who brings peace into your life. If that is the definition of a soulmate, I think I’ve found mine. He’s a very good friend, and everyone who knows that I’m ‘crushing’ on him would say, “then why don’t you just date him?”

I wish its that easy. It’s so cliche to say ‘I’m scared I’ll ruin the friendship’ but this time, I really am worried about it. I’ve known him for a while now, since 2019, but back then he had a girlfriend and that makes my mental boundary strong and clear. No matter how much I liked him back then, I know I shouldn’t act on it, or even entertain the thoughts.

We started getting close again this year, but things have changed. Is it because he’s single now? I don't know, maybe. But i realise how much at peace I feel when he’s around. His presence keeps me calm, and with every second that I spend with him, my heart feels full.

But the problem here is, this is all one sided. I have no idea how he feels about me, and I’m pretty sure I’m nothing more than just a good friend. Is it my instincts or is it something in my head trying to protect me from getting involved in something that could actually happen?

He’s away for 3 weeks and I haven’t missed anyone this much for so long.

I know he’s very good looking, girls swoon over him, throw themselves at him, but it isn’t any of those that attracted me. I admit I also think he’s super cute, I’ve thought about that since day 1 of catching a glimpse of him 4 years ago. But this isn’t just that, this is a feeling that has grown over the years I’ve known him. I love the way he speaks to people, he’s honest and soft. And when we start to go into deeper topics, I can tell that he’s a very responsible son, responsible brother, responsible employee. He’s a person who puts his heart into what he’s doing. He’s patient, and calm, he’s a cure to my chaos though he would have no idea that he is. When i get angry on the road, his voice in my head keeps me cool and when we hugged that night, I could feel the weight on my shoulder melted.

I don’t see us ever being together but I really hope I’m wrong. You make me wanna believe again, you make me wanna start praying again. May miracles happen and may we find our happily ever after in each other. I’ll miss you until I see you again. Goodnight, A 

Weekend filled with Keriang-an ❤️

I have quite a few options on what to do for this weekend, which I wish the events are all spread out on other weeks cause I would really love to go for all of it.

I had to choose between 

1. 5km Milo Run with my family - all my nieces join, and I hate to miss moments like this

2. Muse Will of The People 2023 concert - I’ve been wanting to attend Muse Live since the moment I heard Unintended probably about 20 years ago 

3. Marc’s farewell party - he’s leaving to the states in a couple of weeks and I hate to miss it, but Marc convinced me that it’s okay we’ll meet before he leaves

4. Keriang Rock Climbing Competition in Kedah with Camp5 gang - which I was so scared to join cause I haven’t been climbing properly but they’re so hyped up I would hate to miss having that energy around me

I ended up choosing the last option, I hate to miss the other events and I did not regret it one bit. I had the time of my laugh climbing, singing and laughing with the group.

I haven’t been socialising in a group as big as this for a while due to the incident that happened a couple of years back. I was….traumatised? Big groups of strangers make me anxious but I guess it’s different when it’s a group of people you share the same interest in.

I’m happy with how everything turned out. I would write longer but I’m tired for now lol. To be continued.

Thankful for you.

 The time in between the sessions was very challenging this time around. Something triggered me. Something so simple, supposedly doesn’t mean anything, triggered me. What was it? His name.

Just a single word, a single name and my world started crumbling down. I lost sleep, I spent my every waking hour tiring myself out, I worked out, I went out with people draining my social energy, anything just to keep you off my mind. But at the end of the day, I’ll lay on my bed tired as hell, still couldn’t sleep cause you’re on my mind.

It was stressful, and tiring, and I was filled with self loathe about how pathetic I am. I should’ve moved on, he shouldn’t have this effect on me anymore, not after 4 years for dating hardly than 4 months. 

In yesterdays session, I unloaded all of it on Zac. 

And now I feel a lot better. Idk what is it about him; maybe it’s his calm demeanour, or maybe it’s just him being very good at his job. One thing I can say for sure at this point is he’s my peace. A thousand other people can say the same things he did, but none could keep me calm, peaceful and grounded the way he does it. Validation and reassurances that come from him feels solid.

Feeling slightly anxious at the moment, I wish I could keep him in my pocket at all times to keep my anxiety at bay, lol. 

I might’ve said this a thousand times before but I’m gonna say it again, I’m so thankful I met you. Thank you for making my world a better place. 

Anyway, an update on my EMDR therapy, todays session provoked uneasy feelings - ones where I didn’t expect. At some point my mind went blank, I tried to force thoughts to come in, something, anything, but nothing. “No thoughts come in, I can’t think of anything but I feel a churning in my stomach and my breaths are getting shallow.”

Z “Do you want to keep going or do you want to stop here? Either way is fine, whichever you’re comfortable with.”

I wanted to keep going, but it’s like my mind is blocked. Something is guarding my thoughts, it’s frustrating, it made me anxious and … “it’s okay, you’re safe in the room with me, whatever thoughts that come in, they’re in the past. You’re here with me now.”

“But there’s nothing. I can’t, it’s all blank, I tried to think of something anything but nothing.”

“Maybe your body is not ready to let that thought out yet, and maybe we should respect that. Maybe all these while your body has been keeping it from you, to protect you, it needs to feel safe to let them out. Do you wanna continue or shall we stop here?”

With the anxiety churning in my stomach, I decided to stop. The session was supposed to end 5min ago, but he offered to extend the session a little bit until I feel better, calmer. After a few relaxation exercises, I did feel better and calmer, “This is a proof that you are in control. These thoughts might arise again in between our sessions, remember this moment, remember that you’re in control and the thoughts, the memories they’re in the past.”

Fluffy.

 I’m feeling a little stressed out about a few things. Some things triggered me, which I really wish they hadn’t. But again, instead of going back to the things Zac taught me to stay grounded, my mind goes back to him, lol. Having him in my head keeps me grounded, talking to him in my head keeps me grounded, knowing that I’ll be seeing him to unload the mess in my head keeps me grounded.

I’m not gonna deny I like him. As much as everyone around me asking me to be careful about it, I wouldn’t mind admitting that I do like him. How can I not when he’s the person who provides for me what I need most - feeling safe, secured and heard. For that one hour in every two weeks, he’s there to listen to whatever crap I have in my head, stupid things that trigger me, the fighting voices in my head, my ridiculous repetitive dreams. He’s always there saying the right words, telling me things I need to hear in a way that it’s stuck in my head for weeks giving me a feel of peace. So yes, how can I not like him? But all these, with a clear boundary in my head of the professional relationship we are in.

He taught me what I’d want in my relationship, what a healthy relationship feels like. I’m so glad I met you.

Going the other way.

 I had another session today, and unlike the previous session, today I left feeling….something isn’t right. Something is bothering me. I start to feel this as soon as I left the place.

Maybe it’s the last thing we talked about before the session ended. When we pick a memory to deal with for our next session, it included my dad. Someone I really despise, someone I resent, someone I <I> hate </I> . I blame everything on him - all this mental issues I’m facing, my attachment issues, my abandonment issues. If he had done a better job at being a dad I may have been better .

So yeah, I’m now filled with rage to the point of nausea, though I manage to stay “calm”ish. The methods he taught me probably works, though not entirely. 

Also, maybe I’m scared of starting this exercise. Maybe I’m scared to feel better. Maybe I don’t wanna be better? Who would I be without all these crazy thoughts in my head. I am already looking forward to our next session and it has only been about 4 hours since our last session. This is gonna be a tough 2 weeks gap, but we’ll make it through. 

And also, I may also be physically worn out that my head probably feels heavy cause I’m not well. Been taking paracetamol but it doesn’t take the headache away. The heat is unbearable oh good lord.

Escape.

 Well I guess it’s human nature to always want what you don’t have. When you’re free you wish you’ve something to do, when you’re busy you wish you can just chill and not do anything. Well I’m that human, that human is me. 

Too much free time makes me overthink, too exhausted makes me feel….well, exhausted which usually leads to me getting all the shitty feeling. When will I get to rest? How much longer do I have to do all these? Do I really have to do this for the rest of my life? 

So yeah, now I’m at that phase. Zac taught me quite a few things to stay grounded when these thoughts get too overwhelming.

I have an imaginary container for me to dump all these things that make me feel shitty, I’ll lock them in until I’m ready to face it. I can unlock and deal with these thoughts when I’m ready, or during the sessions where we can figure it out together. 

I also have “sand”, the keyword to my happy thought, that when I think of it sends a pleasant warmth all over my body. This works in giving me the pleasant feels at the same time, doesn’t really help in pushing the unpleasant feels away.

And then there’s of course the breathing techniques, the muscle contraction and relaxation techniques to help me when my mind is too tired to deal w shit, I could physically focus on my muscles actions.

But in the end, what helps is me imagining in my head, that I’m talking to him. What keeps me going is knowing that I’ll be seeing him in a few days and I’ll get to unload of whatever this thing that’s so heavy in my head.

Priorities.

 I don’t think this is worth an entry, it doesn’t annoy me that much, or it kinda does but not really? Idk.

I’m no saint, but when family or a friend needs my help, I usually try my very best to help them. Sometimes it’s at the expense of me cancelling something I’ve planned for a while, at the expense of me postponing something I’ve been looking forward to, at the expense of sacrificing the little time I have left to rest considering my very packed schedule.

I also realise that when I need help, just a simple favour of dropping me off at the immigration office at 730am, no one was around to help me. “Sorry I have to see a friend that morning.”

That makes me realise, over and again (lol), that I’m no one’s priority. Why do I even bother asking people for help when all my life, I’ve been doing things on my own. Jokes on you, madsterz. Anyway, I drove to the immigration by myself and everything was surprisingly very smooth, nothing like that the Google review said. Alhamdulillah.

Now the table is turned where you need my help. I helped you once, it wasn’t very convenient for me to do so but I did anyways, and I was okay with it. I didn’t mind it. You asked for my help again, at the wrong timing which I asked you to remind me, which you didn’t, which I had forgotten due to the chaotic morning - it’s audit day for my clinic.

When you asked me about it, I said exactly that. You didn’t remind me, I forgot. “I’ve loads of things to do in the morning I didn’t have the time to remind you.” I hate to break this to you, you aren’t the only one with crazy schedule. “Do you want to help me or not? If you don’t want to then fine.”

As if I intentionally didn’t wanna help, as if I don’t have a day job which help me to pay my bills. This made me realise how shitty are the people I prioritise in my life. People who never appreciate me, people who never prioritise me, people who only look for me when it’s convenient.

You only have you, Madihah. You’re not on anyone’s priority list. Sedar diri sikit.

Binge writing.

 ….if that’s a thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Zac said, “it’s okay to reach out to people, it’s okay to ask for support.” But I don’t think I know how to do it anymore. If anything, it makes me feel weak. I cringe at the thought of me telling people about what’s in my head anymore. 

Now that I look back, I realise that I never really talked to anyone about what’s bothering me since I started going to therapy. Yes, I’ll update them about how my sessions went, I told them the good bits where therapy really helped me become a calmer person. When I’m at peace and my anxiety well under control, I’m not irritable, I’m not the girl with bad temper. That’s what people like to hear, right?

I no longer text people late at night when I can’t sleep. I no longer call people when I feel lonely in the car or at home after work, or once I’m lying down on my bed. I no longer bother the people around me with my fear od being alone, yet I’m also scared of being close to people.

It’s been ingrained so deep in my brain that I’ll end up alone anyways. I look up to all those independent woman who can do life on their own; be it from fixing a leaking pipe to managing a multimillionaire business company. I look up to independent successful people, cause that’s what I have made myself believe I want to be.

“Leave before you get left.” At this point I’m sure I’ve left a lot of friends behind. I’ve created a boundary even with my own family, cause I know in the end, I’ll be all alone while they have a family of their own.

I didn’t notice this until I blurted it all out during my session, and Zac said “Hopefully, with whatever it is that we’re doing now, we’ll be able to chip off that wall little by little, at the pace that you’re comfortable with.”

At this point I do feel lonely. It’s weird having Zac’s voice in my head all the time. The ones who usually occupy my brain were the person I was with, or my dark side bringing me to dark places. Now I have this voice in my head, one who I’m very comfortable with no romantic interested. It makes me feel secure, and for now that’s enough to keep me grounded. 

There’ll be more similar posts coming cause as much as his voice in my head provides me peace, I need to let out my thoughts. It has to be out there, out of my head and out of my chest. 

When I started writing this I was a little anxious and now it has gone away. Now it’s time for a good night’s sleep as I’m still super tired since last week. Won’t be getting any rest until the weekend. Until then, just gotta keep hustling. 

More thoughts.

 I’m juggling my emotions as they are pretty unstable right now. I’ve been anxious, but then I’ll think of our previous session and it helped calm me down, then after a while the anxiety struck again.

Looking at it from a fresher perspective, it’s good that I manage to stay grounded when the anxiety provoking thought appear.

I do feel like I am attached to him at this point, the thing that keeps me grounded is his voice in my head. This time around, instead of being anxious, I feel alright. I repeat his words in my head “It’s okay to need support.” 

This is probably what a healthy relationship feels like. As if my bar isn’t already too high, it’s higher now. Of course I hope as time goes by, the only validation and reassurances that I need are my own. At the same time, I know I can’t have someone who can’t provide for me the consistency, stability and security.

As for tonight, I’ll keep all the disturbing thoughts in my Fluffy and put them aside for now, and to remind myself to stay grounded, to know that everything is under control. All is good.

A breath of fresh air.

 11/5/2023

I probably should’ve started this long time ago. My first therapy session was in December last year (2022). I believe I have come a long way since then, though a couple of days ago I was having the “downward spiral” again which called for an “emergency” session today.

I usually see Zac every two weeks, though he’s been telling me it’s okay to call and book a session any time between the sessions if needed. There has been a few times which I felt like I needed it, but eventually I decided that “maybe I’m fine it’s all just in my head”. But this time around, I couldn’t handle it on my own, I need it, I need help.

Of course, naturally, in my head I’ve been telling myself about how “you’re perfectly fine you don’t need this session, you’re overreacting. It’s nothing. What are you gonna tell him?” Those thoughts didn’t help, it only made my anxiety worse but I showed up anyway.

“Hi, so how are you? Our session should’ve been next week. Is everything okay?”

So I just….started telling him all the things that bothered me. The PTSD-feels I get when going back to my old house, how I feel about not feeling the connection with my best friend whom I used to feel 100% connected to, how that made me realise that I don’t have that connection with anyone, will I ever get that again with anyone else? Probably not. I’ll end up alone and I wouldn’t have anyone with me. And it goes further down until one point the pinch in my chest is so tight I couldn’t breathe properly, my head hurts. In that instance I wanted to talk to someone, but I don’t wanna bother anyone - whoever that is, my best friends or my brother or whoever that would listen. And then all the thoughts come again, even stronger. 

And he asked me “Why didn’t you wanna talk to these people who care for you? Who want to be there for you?”

“I don’t wanna burden them. I know these thoughts are heavy, uncomfortable to listen to, I don’t wanna put them in that position. And I’ve been dealing with this since forever. I can’t keep going back to them every single time telling them the same shit, I know they’re sick of it.”

Zac “Did they tell you that they’re sick of listening to your problems?”

Me “They’re my good friends, of course they’re not gonna say that to my face.”

Zac “If you have a friend telling you about their problems, would you feel that way?”

Me “Of course not. I’m okay to listen, though I will feel bad for not being able to do anything other than that. I wish I could make them feel better. I don’t want the people who care for me feel that way.”

Zac “They’re good friends, they care for you. They want to support you, and it’s okay to have people to support you. You don’t always have to do things alone.”

And what he said next, though very simple, though it’s probably something I’ve heard a thousand times before, made all the anxiety seeped away. 

“It’s okay to need help.”

I told him that I also worry about being attached to this - therapy, to him. This is a place that gives me the sense of security, what if some day you’re gone, migrated to another country, what would happen then. 

I said the same thing to my supposed best friend and her response was “please don’t get yourself attached to this, you might wanna have more gaps in between sessions, I don’t think you should book more sessions in between either.”

That answer worsened my overthinking. It turned my judgment from thinking therapy is good for me instead of you shouldn’t be attached to therapy/your therapist.

I told that to him too, he asked me;

“Do you think it’s a bad thing, coming here?”

Me “I don’t know. I know this is good for me, I have a few people who are close to me telling me that have seen positive changes in how I see things, how I respond to things since I started therapy. But what she said made me question all that. I’ve read on the net that how you feel about therapy is very much like how you feel in a relationship, and I have an anxious-attachment style. So those questions start playing in my head - what if I DO get attached, do I have to do this for the rest of my life; what if suddenly someday you’re just not here anymore,”

Zac “What you feel is very valid. And we are here to help you go through this, we’ll figure this out together. Yes you’ll need more sessions in the beginning, it gives you that sense of security, which is what you need when you’re anxiously attached. Over time, when you’re better, we can have more gaps in between sessions, and it’s only when you’re ready. And I will be here, I have no plans to migrate or move anywhere else at least for the next few years. If I were to, I would definitely let you know months in advance. I wouldn’t just…get up and leave. And do remember what I said, it’s okay to need help. It’s okay to come to therapy, whatever people say, it’s you who have to face whatever it is that you’re facing. I will be here.”

I leave therapy today feeling totally relieved, secured, and calm. I write what happened today cause I wanna remember how I feel today. Even now as I write all these negative thoughts, my heart feels alright, there’s no tightness, no heaviness, his reassurances puts my mind at ease. Thank you for doing what you’re doing, as for now, you are my anchor keeping me grounded, for that, I thank god for putting you in the path of my life. 

If my life isn’t a rom-com…

 Alhamdulillah I’m in a better state now, mentally. I’m having acute tonsillitis since last night, but physical pain>>>mental pain lol. My schedule has been packed, so I think this (the acute tonsillitis) is bound to happen. I haven’t had it in a while, so its about time.

So anyway, that’s not the main reason why I’m here. I’m here because…..I swear to god my life is a joke. When you’re a Madihah, weird days don’t even faze you anymore, so I do not exaggerate when I said I had the weirdest Sunday ever.

Okay, it was supposed to be a typical Sunday of a typical weekend. Spent Saturday with my family, had dinner together, stayed over at an AirBnB. I packed all my climbing gears, spare clothes and whatever necessary for a typical Sunday where I would go climb with Marc. Well, there was one thing that is a bit out of the ordinary. After climbing with Marc, I planned a climbing date with someone I met online.

I left my bag of spare clothes and I can’t possibly go on a dinner date post climbing (the original plan I had in mind) so after climbing, Marc and I had lunch and he accompanied me to get a new top from Uniqlo. (We got lost in One Utama looking for Brands Outlet cause I just wanna get ‘something cheap’ but I couldn’t find anything I like there and Marc was like, “Madihah, we both know deep in our hearts where the top that you want is.” So yeah, Uniqlo it is)

Here’s where I started being a petty bitch.

I know for a fact that people often get lost in 1Utama, especially looking for Camp5. I did the first time. So whenever I were to bring a guest, I always direct them on where to park. “Go to Level 5, find the green pillars (rainforest) and when you enter the building, the entrance of Camp5 will be on your right.” So when I get a text saying “I just parked” I expected to have to only wait for another 3 minutes, but I waited almost 20 minutes and he said “Where is it I can’t find it.” So I was like “Didn’t you park where I asked you to?” To which he replied “Oh I’m at the basement parking, I missed the entrance of the other parking space so I just park wherever.” At that point I was so annoyed (judge me all you want, I know I’m a petty bitch) but anyways, though annoyed, I was still nice. I asked him to wait wherever he was, and went to get him.

From then on, I just know, it was off. I hate myself sometimes for being so petty but I can’t help it. When I’m attracted, I’m attracted and when I’m not, I just am not. All I wanted to do was to escape but I can’t just like “Hey, I had to go” right. It was 330pm, so I immediately told him “We’ll climb until max 530 or 5pm yeah? I’m a bit knackered. I’ve been climbing from 10am actually.” And he was like yeah sure okay. I don’t mean to be mean but the vibe was just……off. I don’t ever remember feeling so trapped in a situation. It’s not like he’s a creep or anything, he’s alright but just not the kind of person I vibe with. I keep on asking him to climb (while I belay) just to avoid having a conversation. The part where I said I was knackered, I actually meant it so I wasn’t really in the mood to have “small talks”.

5 minutes to 5pm, I told him “Hey, would you be okay if this is your last climb? Cause I’m so tired I just wanna go back and rest.”

“Oh you’re going back right away? We’re not having dinner together?” He looked surprised, because well I think though we didn’t make a proper plan to have dinner together, he might have mentioned about it.

“Oh yeah no I’m sorry I didn’t expect to feel this tired. Plus it’s Sunday night, tomorrow is a work day so I just wanna rest before the week started.” I really tried my best to make it sound genuine, I’m not sure how it came out.

“Not even for coffee? It’s on me. We didn’t even get to talk much today.” At this point I just wanted to scream NO I DONT WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER MINUTE WITH YOU (omg I’m so mean, am i not? Ergh)

Of course I didn’t. I politely declined and said that’s not the reason at all. After his last climb, I straight away said “Okay, jom” He dropped off the rental gears and out of courtesy I asked “Do you know where you’re parked?” And he was like “Yeah yeah don’t worry.” So I was like “Okay, bye!” Feeling so relieved.

“Eh no no, let me at least walk you to your car.” Oh my god 

“Eh no it’s totally fine. I’m used to this place it’s alright.” But he insisted, and my car was literally 10 steps away so I was like okay okay. Before sending me off he did say about meeting up again (not climbing) so that we can talk properly, lol.

In the car, I feel so relieved, again. Hoping that this time its for real.

Then I realised I didn’t even wash my hands and feet, I didn’t even have a glance at the mirror to see how I looked like, I didn’t even change, but after he mentioned coffee, I felt like having coffee, just not with him. So I drove to the street in TTDI where there were few coffee shops I’m familiar with. I was on the phone with my best friend telling her about the very bad date (on my side, totally my bad) while driving.

And though this story has been pretty lengthy, this is the weirdness is centred at.

I saw a guy wearing a black polo shirt coming out of a BMW which looked very familiar,. When looked at my direction and we made eye contact, mind instantly went “fuck.” It was my ex-almost. The one I had such an intense feeling for despite only dating him for over 4 months, but our story ended more than 2 years ago, so we’re cool? I guess?

I rolled down my window and said hi. “Where are you going?” He asked.

“I feel like having coffee, going to one of the cafes here. You?”

“I’m going to Ini/Itu (a coffee shop owned by their friend so its really where their circle hang out at).” All of this conversation happened while I was still driving at a very slow speed. “Weh you go find a parking first la!”

Took me just a second to find a parking (I call myself a VIP cause I always get a good parking spot even at the busiest place on busy day - I hope I don’t jinx it). I didn’t expect him to wait for me, but he did. So we head to the coffee shop together.

I ordered my coffee first while he was socialising with a group of people at this one table, when looking for a table to sit at, I saw my crush ._.

He was so cute my heart skipped a beat, and my brain was totally confused.

Okay here’s a back story. A few nights ago I texted Marc asking him about this crush of mine, they’re good friends. Two days before this bumping into him incident, I replied to his instastory complimenting his music taste. So seeing him there, I was just…I don’t know, I was excited, but I was still trying to get it in my head that I’m here with my ex-almost, and now my crush is here too like….what?

He saw me too, so we exchanged a “hey, how are you”s. He asked “Who are you here with?”

“I actually just wanna buy coffee somewhere here, then I bumped into Him coming here so I joined him he lah.”

“I see, I’m actually waiting for him to come la ni.” Pointing to an empty chair on the table.

Fuck.

I knew they know each other, I had no idea they are this close. I brushed it off and tried to be okay with this situation I was in.

“Do you mind if I join you guys? Or are you guys discussing something important ke apa?”

“Eh no sure sure come join us.”

Then He joined the table too. Thankfully it wasn’t so bad (I believe it could be worse). Seeing You and Him side by side, I realise I have a huge massive crush on my crush, and I totally have no feelings for Him anymore. He has a beautiful smile, his teeth straight with an acceptable slight midline diastema, he has a soft voice, I just….I think I really like him.

But he’s my ex-almost’s very good friend.

So, I’m contemplating if I should make any move.

As of now, I’m manifesting him to DM me hahahahah oh my god. I can’t stop thinking about this, about him. Good Lord, if my life really is a romcom, let You and me be the main character. Haha aduhh

Suicidal Ideations.

 I'm just gonna start off this post with a cliche phrase "It has been a while since I was last here" lol.

Life has been pretty harsh on me. Okay, maybe I'll correct that. My brain has been very hard on myself. My life has been alright. I mean, I just got into a remission from the most terrible episode of my life.

A breakup is never easy for someone with an anxious attachment style like me, but the previous one was somehow bearable. It was probably the cleanest I ever had. We had a good time, then going through a rough patch, we tried, I swear we tried, but when things aren't meant to be, no matter how much you try to mold it into becoming something that you want, it just won't. It hurts, of course it hurts. But life goes on.

The thing worse than the breakup is my transfer to another clinic. I don't know why, I just really hate it here. The people are nice, but I have too much of free time that really doesn't help. The good thing is, this is temporary. I'll go back to my old clinic starting new year, which is only over a month away.

Having moved on from the breakup, and my transfer back to my old clinic is made official (the letter is out) I feel better. During my free time, I would try and search for a new workplace since my contract would end in about 6 months and high chance is I won't get absorbed into the system. I kinda look forward to entering the private sector. I start signing up for courses and it's a nice feeling to have, knowing it'll help me grow and be more competent.

Logically, I'm supposed to feel better. I have a goal, I have things to look forward to. Now that the lockdown restrictions are lifted, I can climb again. But at the end of a good day, where I lie in bed, or my sofa (my favorite comfort place), the thoughts come back.

I get frustrated that I'm still alive. I ask God to let me meet Death soon. Despite having a productive week, spending fun times with family and friends, I still want to die. That makes me even more frustrated. Why is it that even on a good day I want things to end? Will I ever feel happy again, then? My heart, I have to place my hand over my chest to see that it's still beating cause I can't feel it anymore. Even now as I'm writing this, it feels like my chest is empty, hollow. How can there be a beating heart in there? Maybe if I wish for it hard enough it would eventually stop?

I've been thinking of ways to end it. A week ago I accidentally broke a glass, so it has sharp edges around it. The first thought that came to mind was, I could use that to cut my hands (though I can always just use the knives I have in my kitchen, but I just have to be dramatic, don't I?). Then I actually start thinking about the knives in my kitchen, how cute and pink they are, maybe dying by those cute little knives wouldn't be so bad. Then I start thinking about jumping off my balcony but it's only on the first floor, I wouldn't die from that, probably broke my legs which is worse than death. Then of course there's my darling baby Vios that I've been driving for over 10 years. So many people die of car crash, I could easily add up on that statistics.

How do I justify feeling all these, having all these thoughts sticking to my brain like a plague, when my life is going alright, when I actually feel fine? I deleted Instagram apps off of my phone, I deactivated my Twitter a while back, I turnd off my mobile data for WhatsApp. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to....die. I don't want to burden my friends with questions that carry the weight of the world. What if I finally decided to do it after talking to them. They would spend their life in regret, remorse, probably blaming themselves for not seeing it. I don't want that. None of them had done nothing but help me survive until now. Maybe not talking to them would help make it easier.

I don't know if this would be my last post. I don't think I have the balls to actually try and kill myself, but I surely pray very hard to God to take my life away. I really hope that this would be the last, as in, because I die, not because I abandon it lol.

Or maybe, just maybe, at some point my impulses win over my fear and I just get on with it. Who knows

My little sanctuary.

 Alhamdulillah I’ve kinda settled down. Though there are a few things I haven’t bought but overall it’s fine now.

I start working at night too on some days, decided not to go for weekends.

Now it’s CMCO. Little movement are allowed (well, hence it’s called Movement Control Order lol)

And finally, slowly, the loneliness starts to kick in. I know this is inevitable. I don’t long to go back to Kinrara. That house, though so many people live in there, it still feels so empty. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I know people say you can’t let your happiness depends on someone. But most of the time I am happy, but there will be nights like tonight where I crave human company.

Life is bearable on my own, but....idk. I am thankful for all the things in my life, don’t get me wrong. I know Allah is preparing for me something great, but I’m just....tired. And all I ask is someone to hold, someone to talk to, someone to be there with me through ups and downs in life.

Will the time ever come, ya Allah?

Rant.

 I’ve been ranting too much to my friends that I feel that I should stop. I should stop complaining all the damn time that maybe complaining here, and only here wouldn’t be so bad. That’s a start, right?

So today I’m so tired. Today started pretty early. I mean, usually at work in the morning you get to chill for a while before you actually start doing something. But today, sharp at 8, I had to finalise my presentation slides cause I have to give a talk at around 9. And today is also my OP day. My colleague had to replace me for a while while I gave the talk. So right after that, I immediately put on my PPE and be on duty in the treatment room.

There wasn’t all that many patients today but most of the cases are difficult extraction cases. Firm, grossly decayed tooth. There was even one minor surgical case cause the bucks cortical plate was broken hence bone filing was done and sutures were placed. The only good part was that I didn’t call for any SOS. I managed to complete all those cases by myself.

Then I took the afternoon off, went climbing with Hawa and Asha, trained them a little bit. After that balik rumah Cicik then lepak with Roshan after working hours. I planned to go to Atul’s house but it totally slipped my mind as I was too tired and I just wanna go back and sleep.

Now my head hurts like hell but I just have to let this all out. 

Alive.

Now that my life is doing alright, all these emotional blog posts make me feel so blergh lol. This blog is already 12 years old and it's weird when I found out some friends still come here to check up on me cause you know, even I abandon it sometimes.

It's weird for me to come here when things are alright, but now here I am, all blessed and thankful for my life, feeling more alive than ever.

I'm glad I choose climbing as a "something new to try" after I graduated and I owe it to Diana. I mean yes I kinda know climbing was fun cause I did go for a 'Try Climbing' session at Camp5 way back when I was 14, third wheeling 'Afaf and 'Imran on their date (now they've been married for 5 years and have little Ilya already!). But when I found out Diana climbs, it makes me feel like "let's try it again" and I fell in love.

I'm 5 months into it now and I can't describe how happy it makes me feel. It's the kind of newfound love that fills my heart. In the beginning it was starting to get boring cause I mostly climb alone, Diana was injured. But then he introduced me to Akid and Marc, and Eva came into the picture when she got together with Akid so the 5 of us created the Komuniti Kapur Koyak group - a very small community I'm so happy to be a part of.

I went climbing outdoor for the first time last week (thanks to Add) and I really feel like, this sport is meant for me. I've always loved the nature, I've always loved going into the jungle, hiking, being on the mountain, chilling by the beach, the soft cool breeze. Combining my passion for climbing and my love of being outdoor, I've never felt so alive.

I love how climbing can be this super scary extreme sport (saw a guy climbing in the cave last weekend, 7a I think? and damn, I wanna get to his level just to feel the adrenaline of being in that position so high up above the ground). So yeah, combining the two things I mentioned and probably a constant fix of adrenaline high, I am certain I've chosen the right path.

It's crazy how much I've progressed having joined only 5 months ago, I can't wait to see how much further I can go in this. Bring it on!

Selfish me.

First of all, I just wanna say my thanks to Allah. Alhamdulillah I am now somewhat at peace with myself. I guess it's just another day where I realise how blessed I am, but then again me being a totally typical normal human being, I always have things to complain about.

With my current life of funemployment, I got all the time in the world to do things I like, I never really fun out of money (a rezeki I will always always always be thankful for), I don't have exams or assignments to be all stressed out about. Eventually, the only problem I can never seem to stay away from is my feelings, and oh good Lord, I am aware of hoe petty they are. Or sometimes, my problem is my body weight, or some drama related to my climbing activity.

And yes, your problem is bigger than mine, I admit that. I am always here to listen without judgment. I try my very best to make you feel better cause I've been there. But I am sick of you saying the same thing, I can share my petty problems with you as long as I'll be there for you when you need me. That's bullshit when whenever I have issues, you'll  come back to me with "ARE YOU CRAZY?" or "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING MADIHAH?" or "Eee over nya benda ni je pun"

I can still accept it if it is about guys, because when it comes to someone I have strong feelings for, I have the reputation of doing things impulsively, hence stupidly. But I think it's a tad too much when you belittle something I'm passionate for, my climbing. It's just too much.

Maybe I am selfish, you are going through what probably is the hardest phase in your life and here I am terasa hati with something so petty.

But you know, listeners need a listener too. But oh well.

Patched up.

I'm not the type of person who cut ties and burn bridges. I always try to save a relationship once its established (which ever kind - romantic or non romantic/friendship/family love)

Somehow, couple of years ago, my friendship with one of the best friend I ever had ended. It was mostly my fault, I was insensitive and judgmental. Instead of respecting her choice to live her life differently than how I choose to live my life, I pushed her to live the way I do. And of course, eventually I ended up pushing her out of my life.

Somehow, years after that, I become more matured. I traveled, I met people of different races and cultures, different backgrounds, different beliefs and religions - despite the difference, we are all the same. We are human beings. I believe that faith/anything spiritual is something very personal, it means differently to different people.

I am proud and thankful for having Islam in my life, alhamdulillah Allah opens my heart and gave me the hidayah to be a practising Muslim. But that is for me, for myself. I wouldn't judge you if you don't pray, I wouldn't judge you if you choose to dress differently, I wouldn't judge you if you drink, basically I wouldn't judge you for doing something not morally wrong, despite it being a 'dosa' in Islam.

I believe that "being a good Muslim" is totally between a person and the God. What matters to me is you "being a good person". If you curse like nobody's business, if you talk trash, that's when I judge you. Or maybe I wouldn't even judge, I just wouldn't be bothered to even begin any sort of connection with you lol.

So now, we are good friends again, we picked up where we left off but this time without all the judgments and negativity. I am happy with the way we are now, despite people judging our friendship.We know each other very well, and I've lost her once, I won't let that happen again.